This post remained unpublished for about three years until today. I have come leaps and bounds since writing it but I can say two things remain true, my husband is still wonderful and my toenails are painted In the Cable Car Pool Lane by OPI.
I am a newly wed. Four months tomorrow. My husband is fabulous, there aren’t enough amazing things I could say about him to help you understand just how wonderful he is (don’t tell him I said that, I already have to work hard enough to tame his ego). I was naive about being married; positive nothing would change.
We had been together for five years, living together for four and a half of them, there wasn’t an ugly face he hadn’t seen on me- the cry face, grumpy face, pissed face, excited face, happy face, you name it, he’d seen it. We had major fights, talked about money, religion, children, family, work, nothing was off the record. But I couldn’t have been more wrong about being married. It has changed a lot for me, for us.
As previously mentioned we talked about everything, no subject too sensitive, so of course exs were discussed. There were only two long term BFs in my past, but they topped the list of sensitive subjects. I had been burned, twice. Cheated on and degraded.
There’s nothing like trusting someone to find out they had been lying to your face for 6 years (that was boyfriend number one) or being told that you don’t have any ambition or dreams only to find out he had been with someone else the night before- she must have been filled with so much ambition he just couldn’t help himself (that was boyfriend number two). Yes, I have dealt with some issues which left me insecure.
Your probably wondering what this backstory has to do with toenail polish, but trust me it does.
As it turns out, the five years my now husband and I had been together before tying the knot, I hadn’t completely opened my heart to him. I was absolutely in love with him and wanted nothing more than to be his wife, but a little part of my heart remained closed without my even knowing it.
Well, immediately after our wedding, once my insecurities came pouring out, I realized I wasn’t loving with my whole heart. I like to think that the little part of my heart I had shut down for five years was awakened by our marriage vows. I had told that part of my heart to shut up and sit there quietly. I mean if it didn’t have anything nice to say, it shouldn’t say anything at all, right?
But it was hurt and insecure. It was worried about not being good enough, getting burned and left to deal with the pain once more. That little part still thought that other women had so much more to offer and wondered why he would want to stay. When these insecurities came bubbling to the surface and my heart could no longer keep quiet I was overwhelmed. Enter toenail polish.
I have always painted my toenails. Something about it makes me feel like I have my shit together. Weird, I know. But the month after we got married, I stopped painting my toenails. Mostly because I got glitter gel polish that looked fabulous but was a nightmare to get off and I felt my toes deserved some fresh air. But that’s besides the point, one Saturday morning I saw a quote from Zoe Deschanel in an issue of Allure magazine that touched a nerve. She said, “I don’t like plain nails. I get sad.”
I have no idea why it resonated with me so much, but I am thrilled that it did. If I was sad, looking at my poor, plain toes made me even sadder. I immediately set the latest issue of Allure down, headed to the bathroom and selected a bottle of my tried and true color choice out of the medicine cabinet. It was time to bring my toes (and my heart) back to life. With one twist the bottle of nail polish was opened. It smelled like strength, happiness and having my shit together.
A smile consumed my face immediately. With each swipe of polish I was reminded of the strong woman I am and that my past had helped me become this woman, the one my husband fell in love with. After I applied the top coat, I looked down at my perfectly polished toenails feeling accomplished. Not only did my toes look sublime, but I had come to realize that I wasn’t on this journey alone. I had a man who wanted to be on this journey with me and vowed to do so. This man was now my husband and he deserved my whole heart, even the broken part, and I was ready to give it to him.
It seems as though I have put polish on a pedestal. I mean how could painting your toenails be so awe inspiring? Truthfully, having your toenails painted is not a foolproof method to keeping insecurities away. I don’t think anyone is ever truly freed of them, Lord knows I am not, but what I am saying is that there are things that can help keep them at bay.
My advice is to have one ritual that serves as a reminder of your fabulousness. Insecurities fear fabulous. For me its painting my toenails and if its your thing too, may I suggest having a signature color; it really comes in handy in moments like these. Mine is red and it turned out to be exactly what my toes (and my heart) needed.
A Pinch of Opinion 