My husband and I recently read an article titled “5 reasons marriage doesn’t work anymore.” The author came up with 5 of the most common excuses in the book and I respectfully disagree with all 5 of his points. I decided to write a rebuttal because I can’t in good conscious let those single people out there who want to believe in marriage lose all hope.
Now, before I begin, I must say that I am not an expert in the field of marriage. Like the author of the mentioned article I am only one of many people, but unlike the author, I have never been divorced and have been married to the love of my life for 3 years leading a very non-phony life. I am not here to point fingers or judge the author for speaking his mind on the topic of marriage, rather, I am here to give people everywhere hope that marriage can work in today’s world.
Topic #1: Sex
Yes, sex is undeniably important in a successful marriage. Yes, it connects 2 people in a very deep and intimate way. Yes, people, in general, are very sexual. But in my opinion, sex is like the cherry on the sundae. You throughly enjoy every thing about the sundae, but that cherry just makes it perfect. You won’t find that deep, meaningful connection underneath the sheets if you don’t have a deep, meaningful connection outside the bedroom.
People stop having sex because their connection outside the bedroom has been lost and that shit doesn’t just magically appear out of thin air. You. Have. To. Put. In. The. WORK. Shocking, I know. Marriages take work. This won’t be the last you hear of this.
And as for images of half naked men and women being shoved in our faces every single day. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Meaning that if you have issues seeing those images and begin having negative thoughts about your significant other, stop fucking looking. Shut down Facebook, delete Instagram, close your freaking web browser. You have to have more respect for your marriage than you have for the images you see.
Topic #2: Finances
My husband has a bachelors degree, I have my masters degree, we have a paid for car, have traveled to Mexico, Thailand and Cambodia and I have visited Spain and we have ZERO credit card debt. No, our parents aren’t wealthy and paying our way. No, we didn’t come into a large inheritance and, yes, I know that this isn’t the norm. When my husband and I got married we had almost $90,000 in debt from all the usual suspects, education, cars, credit cards. But we believed we didn’t have to live that way so we buckled down and paid it all off. It took us 3 years and a lot of struggle. It was not easy, but we put in the work. Oh shit there it is again, it took work.
We live a blue collar lifestyle, we are not rich and didn’t have our parents there to bail us out (although I am sure they would have if they could have). We took our trips and bought our car after we SAVED the money to do so. We don’t own a home yet, we are still renters but we aren’t financially ready to buy yet so we aren’t. It sucks but after all renting isn’t all bad! When the sink leaks, call the landlord. When the stove breaks, call the landlord. We are in the process of saving a down payment now and we will buy a home that is within our means when the time is right and we are financially ready.
Sure, the cost of living is much higher now then it was when our parents were raising a family but the income is also much higher. I can 100% with out a second thought say that my parents (who have been married for almost 40 years) fought about money. I never saw it because they didn’t fight in front of us, but I know its a fact. My most recent blow out argument with my husband was about money. It happens. Its hard and it takes effort, compromise, honesty and living within your means. It’s not rocket science after all. You are not entitled to shit, you earn it. You work for that house and car and education. Its not your birth right and if you try to put the cart before the horse you will pay dearly.
Topic #3: Connectedness
Technology can either support your marriage or tear it down. My husband and I talk maybe 2 times a day while he is at work. Seeing as how he is working there isn’t a ton of time to chat during the day, which is how it should be. He will usually call me to say hi and see how my day is going at some point and we will occasionally text with quick questions if we need to, but sometimes there isn’t a peep between us for 10 hours. If I don’t hear from him all day or if he isn’t quick to respond back to me, I understand. He is WORKING. You have to be confident in your marriage. There’s this little thing called trust and if it isn’t there you will drive yourself, and spouse, crazy; ultimately resulting in a strained relationship.
After work, we both go to the gym for about 2 hours. We have some causal conversation about the day, our workouts, any important news but our real time to talk is at dinner. Now this may not be something every couple can do because of varying schedules but there is always time to make it happen if you truly want to, it just may not be dinner, maybe its lunch or breakfast or a FaceTime date. We make dinner together, sit down at the dinner table and talk. It is a no phone zone. We connect. IRL.
A lot of what we do is old school, but you know those parents and grandparents that were married for 100 years, they did it old school and it has withstood the test of time. Bill, my husband, and I take our dogs on walks, go for drives in mountains, run errands together on the weekends. Old school shit. We still jump on Facebook and Instagram, but we know when to turn it off. We have boundaries. Sometimes unspoken and sometimes because the other person has said, “Helllooo, don’t be an asshole!” You have to make an effort to connect with your spouse. Surprise! Sometimes you have to put in the work!
Topic #4: Desire for Attention
Who doesn’t love when they have a new Instagram follower or when someone retweets your tweet or when your post has another like. But the attention you should crave is that of your spouse. This one is easy. When you feel like you crave attention from the outside world more than that of your husband or wife, its time for a social media diet. Quit that shit. Don’t be an asshole.
Topic #5: Social Media
While reading the “5 reasons” article, I felt as though the author put a lot of blame on social media. Plastering our social media accounts with pictures of our every move. While I agree with him on this, I also believe that free will still exists, people just choose to ignore it. Social media can be demonized but it is not the root of our demise. We do that all on our own. You can choose to put the phone down, not upload that picture, worry less about which filter makes you look more tan and defined, but we choose not to.
My husband and I are avid social media users, so don’t get the idea that we are off the grid, although we don’t have cable which helps and comes highly recommended. We often tag each other in pics we have taken or quotes we see that remind us of the other. We are both avid CrossFitters and follow several CrossFit athlete’s SM accounts, which are littered with phenomenal bodies. But we both work hard for the bodies we have and we know how much effort each one of us puts into it. Its for ourselves but also each other. Who doesn’t want their husband or wife to see them as irresistible!?!?
For our generation the distraction is social media networks, for our grandparents it may have been the newspaper. Hell, I can see it now, “honey, you haven’t spoken to me all morning since that thing arrived!” said the wife to her husband as he sits at the breakfast table flipping through the printed pages. For our children there will be another distraction. At the end of the day you must choose your marriage above all else. Our world today is much different than the world our parents and grandparents lived in, but each generation will have its own struggles.
Values, morals and work ethic are lacking severely in the U.S. and I personally think it’s time to bring some old school back into our lives and our marriages. People are quick to make lifelong vows and also quick to break them at the first sign of a difficult path. Be true to your word to honor and respect your spouse. Put in the time and effort. Be selfless and serve the other. Marriages are hard work and they take compromise and sacrifice. They have been from the beginning and worked well then. They are now and will still be in the future, but anything can work well if you want it to.
Here is a link to the article I am rebutting. I respect the author’s opinion, just strongly disagree.
A Pinch of Opinion 