The Pressure of Pregnancy (especially in your 30s)

As days roll past and I creep closer to 40, the pressure of a white picket fence and 2.5 children weighs on my shoulders. After you tie the knot the outside world doesn’t give you much time to enjoy your new roles as husband and wife before the infamous question begins.

You know it will happen, but aren’t truly prepared for it when it does. And you assume that you will come up with a routine response when asked time and time again. It would seem that it is the norm for every married couple in the USA because apparently it is the only option available. You may already know what I am referring to…

“Oh, you’ve been married for 30 seconds, when are you going to start a family?”

I’ve also been asked when my husband and I plan on “poppin’ out kids.” No joke. What am I, a farm animal?

In all fairness, my husband and I have been married for three and a half years and it seems the longer we have been married the less we are asked. Maybe people have given up hope or have become bored asking. Our answer remains the same no matter how the question is asked.

It is exciting for the world outside of your four walls. Babies are cute, snuggly and their laugh is contagious. However, when the baby is not yours you can hand him back when he shits his pants or starts screaming in a restaurant. But it’s not likely that the hospital accepts returns when the parents are exhausted from sleepless nights.

And I won’t even begin to discuss actual pregnancy, actual labor or what having a baby actually does to your body. The weight gain, the stretch marks, the breastfeeding. Oh vey! Forget about your alone time. Quick trips to the anywhere, including the bathroom, become a figment of your imagination. I like quiet evenings with my husband and peeing in solitude.

Starting a family is a big deal, a VERY big deal and it’s not a decision that should be taken lightly. Deciding where to go for dinner is a difficult decision for me so how the hell am I supposed to decide when to start a family?

Then you have to make decisions about things like which car seat is safest, my career (or perhaps the lack there of), public, private or home school. Just thinking about this makes my heart rate increase.

Outside of the decision making, which I can no longer stomach, what I really want to know is why this is the natural next step after marriage?

Is it because there is nothing else a married couple can look forward to?

Is it to prove their marriage can handle the greatest pressure life can add?

Is it simply procreation?

Why do people feel the need to put pressure on married couples to answer this question?

And why isn’t, we aren’t sure yet, a solid enough answer?

Now don’t misunderstand, I see the joy a child can bring to your life. No one has ever told me they regretted having children, or at least they haven’t admitted it out loud.

What I am questioning here is the complete disregard for the fact that you can have a fulfilling life without children. And what about the couples out there that have tried to get pregnant and been unsuccessful? Is all hope lost for them?

Based on how routine this question has become, it would seem society thinks so.

However, I take the opposing view.

No life is without struggle and disappointment, but it is a blessing just to be here, with or without a child. I believe you can live a full and happy life without ever having children. I will not pretend to have any idea what couples who struggle to get pregnant go through since I have not walked a mile in their shoes, and hope I never have to. But I think there needs to be more focus on finding happiness from within, not in our children, career or spouse. A topic in which I have so much to say it needs its own blog post.

My hope is that the world will recognize that each couple is on their own journey and dealing with pressures, like time, health, finances and careers. Answering the baby/family question often isn’t as easy as, “we plan on having 2 kids in the next 4 years.” Be gentle when talking to couples about kids because you don’t know the journey they are on.

It gets especially hard as you enter your 30s or have been trying and been unsuccessful. There are a whole new set of challenges. Trust me when I say that these challenges are enough pressure on their own.

Besides, at 34 I already have my uterus screaming that time is running out so I will say with all the love in the world that mother nature is loud enough for the both of you.