Rebuilt: Wildly Strong and Independent

There are a handful of monumental events over the course of a person’s life that change who they are. Events that shift a personality, shake a core, redefine what was once a known fact. These events can be accompanied by pain you would never wish on your worst enemies. Only after time and reflection, you begin to heal and look back on these events with gratitude. This is a story about one of my monumental events.

Once upon a time I thought I loved a cowboy, though he was much more than just a cowboy, he was also one of the most selfish people I had ever known. Of course, I couldn’t see it at the time, but I often felt the repercussions. His number one priority was his own agenda and while I was with him that became my number one priority as well. His needs were our priority. I was lost in the circle of pain.

The circle began when he would make me feel insignificant. When he would say things like, “Don’t flatter yourself,” or “You have no ambition.” Often words weren’t even necessary. It would be a look of disappointment, leaving me behind or pushing me away. In these moments, which most of our relationship was comprised of, I felt the hurt and pain swell up in my throat. His actions and words would pierce my heart and shorten my breath. When I felt these emotions trying to surface I would choke it back and remind myself that I needed to be accommodating out of fear of him leaving. My assumed love for him forced me to remain silent. I knew the pain would eventually dissipate and I would come full circle when he held me in his arms or called me a pet name. It was then I would breath again.

This circle of breathlessness followed by short burst of air continued for 9 months when finally the bubble burst. After walking on egg shells, constantly tending to my bruised self confidence, he cut the line. I should have felt freedom, but I fumbled, I grasped for what may be, I search for anything that may remain in hopes that this was just part of the circle. He would come back, I would stay quiet, never mentioning how his actions and words demolished any shred of confidence I had left. I was desperate and he was clear. He wanted nothing to do with me and he made sure his actions and words said so.

Today I can smile when I think about those few days when it ended. While I was in it I thought I’d die from the pain, but now I see it as one of the greatest things that could have ever happened to me. The beginning of the end wasn’t much different then any other day in our relationship. One night he pushed me away and I sat on the bathroom floor rejected and crying. Of course, the next day I drove 45 minutes to talk to him in person. I mean asking him to drive 45 minutes to break up with me was just way to much. I was still grasping, hoping.

He told me I didn’t have any goals or aspirations for my life. He deserved better than me. He was “going places” and I would never be good enough. Even as I type this I can feel rage bubble up from inside. The damage affected my self esteem, my confidence and my heart and soul for longer than it should have. His words cannot be taken back, but now that I have found my voice I also have something to say that can never be taken back. Something that I should have said that night.

I am a person worth loving. I have goals and aspirations for my life. You are in no way better than I am and you never were. You are different, but not better. My needs and wants are equally important to yours and I should have realized this while we were together. Had I been rooted in who I was perhaps you wouldn’t have felt the need to treat me like trash you could toss into the street. And while I can admit I was lost during that time, I could have used some encouragement rather than the demoralization you provided. I hope you have the tools to better serve those who you claim to love today because no one deserves to be cut down by your words the way I was.

What seemed like the end was actually the beginning. The beginning of rebuilding myself. Rebuilding myself stronger than I was before. Today I look back with gratitude, not to the cowboy I once thought I loved, but to who I was then. I was scared to be alone. Scared to be independent. Scared to ask for what I wanted and needed out of fear of rejection. I accepted any form of a relationship anyone was willing to give me. When I rebuilt my world I decided wildly strong and independent fit me much better. Although my work is never done, today I am better able to ask for what I need from my relationships. Today I know what I am worth.